There are days when one feels lonely and unloved. Those are the days I remember Mamama. I console myself that each individual gets loved dearly at some point in time, and am I glad that point in time for me lasted from 1973 until 2016. I consider myself lucky to have received unconditional love through that period.
It is time now for me to be the one who gives that love in turn to someone unconditionally. Who can that be ? I wonder. While some I love dutybound, others with a selfish purpose; consciously or subconsciously. I wonder when I will ever learn to love unconditionally – without expecting anything in return.
I remember the day I told Mamama that I needed someone for moral support when I delivered my baby. I told her that my mother was hesitant to come here as she was duty bound and did not want to leave her inlaws and my father unattended. She immediately announced that at the ripe age of 80+ yrs, she will be my side for any support I need. I remember asking her to move to our place in her final days when she could barely move around without support. She expressed gratitude but said that she would not want to be displaced in her final days from her home of 60+ years. I did spend her last few days with her, but I could feel that she was restless and just waiting for the expected and destined end to her life. Though physically right by our side, she seemed disinterested in conversation.
I have not known or felt that affection or love she showered on me since she passed onto the heavens. And I don’t think I ever will.