Sunday, June 16, 2019

Unconditional love

Remembering Mamama,
There are days when one feels lonely and unloved. Those are the days I remember Mamama. I console myself that each individual gets loved dearly at some point in time, and am I glad that point in time for me lasted from 1973 until 2016. I consider myself lucky to have received unconditional love through that period.
It is time now for me to be the one who gives that love in turn to someone unconditionally. Who can that be ? I wonder. While some I love dutybound, others with a selfish purpose; consciously or subconsciously. I wonder when I will ever learn to love unconditionally – without expecting anything in return.
I remember the day I told Mamama that I needed someone for moral support when I delivered my baby. I told her that my mother was hesitant to come here as she was duty bound and did not want to leave her inlaws and my father unattended. She immediately announced that at the ripe age of 80+ yrs, she will be my side for any support I need. I remember asking her to move to our place in her final days when she could barely move around without support. She expressed gratitude but said that she would not want to be displaced in her final days from her home of 60+ years. I did spend her last few days with her, but I could feel that she was restless and just waiting for the expected and destined end to her life. Though physically right by our side, she seemed disinterested in conversation.
I have not known or felt that affection or love she showered on me since she passed onto the heavens. And I don’t think I ever will.

Friday, July 29, 2016

My mamama, a gift from God

My Mamama, the gift from God

She was a lady of great fortitude, very non-judgmental, a patient listener, a compassionate human, an amazing host. She was well loved and the visitors to her final rite prayers were proof of the same. She was intelligent woman who was capable of managing home and business. She was the neck that moved the head of the family - my ajja.

To me she was a pillar of strength, a sounding board, someone who would love me and not judge me. Someone I could call anytime and speak my heart and mind.

This time, July 20-23, 2016 when I visited her, I noticed she had lost her patience. She was annoyed and irritated by her long life which she considered a curse rather than a gift. In the past few years she had been in and out of the hospital on multiple occasions. Usually the one to listen patiently to her son, this time she retaliated . She complained of the food being served to her. Clearly she was fed up of the dabba wala and his menu.I joked telling her that her relationship with her son tending to her was much like a mother in law - daughter in law one.

This time, I visited her, things were different. She dozed off many times while we sat chatting. She showed signs of being fed up, fed up of having to live this long, fed up of having a limited say in matters, fed up of being dictated to. She praised me, may be the first time in the last 2 decades. She said I had the capability of managing all situations. She added that my daughter followed suit. At which I retorted, "much like you" She looked back at me, and then nodded in agreement.

While I bid her goodbye on 23rd, there was something final about that moment. She asked to be helped to the treasury room, she wanted her almirah opened. She then asked for her black purse. She said there was something in it, she wanted me to have. She said there was no one who would use it and do justice to it. Maybe she was trying to tell me that she wants me to use it. After rummaging through the purse, she pulled out a small maroon box and opened it to check if the contents were intact. She then handed it to me saying, "I want you to have this". I looked down at it. It was a tiny golden brooch in which were embedded glistening pearls. It was a delicate piece. I asked her where it came from. She said her dad gifted it to her in 1942. It was at that moment that my guts felt twisted. It was a strange feeling. Happiness entwined with a deep sorrow. This gesture made me realise that she was telling me that we may never meet again. And that indeed was the truth. I spoke to her once again after reaching Mumbai, that night at around 8pm.

Midnight of 23rd she was admitted once again to the hospital.  The doctors said the lung infection was not responding to medications. She lay still breathing solely with the help of the oxygen being pumped into her lungs. She pulled on through 24th and 25th and then moved on to a better world.

She will remain my inspiration, a role model and my most loved one. And each time I remember her, I tell myself,"Don't cry that it is over, smile that it happened".

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Strength and Karma

Show me how to carry Lord
This cross you've given me
Help me never to forget
This day on Calvary

I carried such a heavy cross
And though three times I fell
I got up and walked again
And carried my cross well

But being just a simple soul
Without the strength you've known
I am not sure I can carry
This heavy cross alone

So Lord, if you should see me
Stumble now and then
Give me the strength and courage
To get up and walk again

These used to be the lines I remember seeing on my work table at home since 1994. They were inspiring lines which helped me cope with my stresses and tough times.

Today while my little one came up to me and said 'Mama I did not get selected to the prefect committee, inspite of being good in academics, sports and other extra-curricular activities', I was reminded of this again. It is easy to explain how a computer works, pretty much along the lines of garbage in - garbage out; but sadly life does not quite work the same way.

Life has more to it than the input you see and know of. There is an input that comes from the karmic deeds, the causes one has sown in not just this life but the past one too.

It is tough to explain why someone who may seem less effective has been chosen in her place.

...and I was reminded of these lines.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Few things life has taught me.....and I am still an eager student

1. Don't judge people. Period.
2.If you have already judged them anyways, they will prove you right. Ha!
3.It's not your degree or your resume that often lands you at a higher post in your job, its your tongue, and a little bit of your work
4.Man is a funny animal, always wanting what is not - when I have a job I wish I hadn't and when I don't, I wish I had
5.Never tell your baby what you don't want her telling you
6.Reminding someone something he claims to always forget, does not help - AT ALL
7.Unlikely that you can change the world, be the change you want to see in others. That MAY help
8.Just because you are a stay at home mom and spend all your waking hours worrying about your little one, does not make you the best mom, and nor does that ensure that your offspring is going to appreciate you for life
9.If you appreciate something about someone, let them know about it.
10.Spend sometime each day noticing little things around you, which you seem to be taking for granted
11.It is never easy to forgive and forget. At least pretend!
12.Be nice to all, you never know who is gonna be your neighbor up, or may be down under
13.After 60, unlikely that people will change. They never did when they were 30!
14.Read a lot. This time shall not come again. Might as well gather all the gyan you can when you find the time and haven't still developed Alzheimers'
15.Love is hard to find. Reciprocate it.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

By The Water Cooler

This one is for Radio Parul, and her book 'By the Water Cooler' on

Day 1
- transfered to the Bangalore office (after working for 6 months as a trainee). Like the spring chicken, I am one of the first few to turn up. My boss who is all of 27 and and whose first trainee I am, has arranged for some office girl to get me some flowers. That, for you, is a welcome note.
My boss, walks in almost an hour later, and the rest, even later than that. *Young* I think. We exchange niceties.
Lesson 1- don't be so eager to work on the first day that you exhaust your energies by turning up this never know how long you have to hang on!

Day 2- as promised he takes me on his bike to the closest bank to open an account. I would require a place to drop that cheque which will feed me (yes that's all it would do).
It's a Splendour and so anyone sitting pillion, in a synthetic outfit (and a rookie at bike pillion) is likely to end up in the driver's seat rather than ones own.
Lesson 2 - never wear synthetic if you are riding Pillion!

Day 3 -
happens to be a Saturday- a holiday, nonetheless we are all comfortable casuals, enthu cutlests all. I explain my interpretation of a report, aloud, as if I have been dying to hear my own voice. 'Keep that low' says my boss, 'I have a bad hangover and your voice is making my skull rattle in my head...'
Lesson 3 - speak in hushed tones if your boss has a hangover

It is evening after a lazy paced day at work. The office is a house (like a typical one in Bangalore), and my boss is sitting by a window gazing out. I ask him, what are you looking at ? He says, 'the moon'....the vibrant colours....'Moon and vibrant colours, I add'....'hmm....he says, gazing on'. I don't see them, I mutter. You will if you do 'pot', comes the reply.
Lesson 4 - do grass to see vibrant colours in the moon.

3 days down, and I have learnt quite a bit at work, don't you think?! I have always been a quick learner ;)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I am so... internetish

If you are wondering what that means, let me explain...

If ever you google anything on earth (or outside of it), you will get adequate evidence to support or overrule any hypothesis that you harbor. I was running a search on f"lourides and toddlers"....I got adequate evidence to believe it is "good" and "bad" for toddlers. End result - I am well informed but as confused as earlier.

Working out of home, makes one dependent on the internet a lot, and google then becomes what you would term in the real world- a best friend! With google as best friend, what has now happened to me is what the old sanskrit philosophy would term 'sangadosha' (literally translated company effect). What it primarily means is that one begins to behave like ones companion/ friend owing to the close interactions/ proximity one keeps to them.

Now if you were to tell me how good something is, I can provide adequate information why I believe otherwise. You would be none the wiser after which. At the same time if you come up with a theory about how something is bad. I could very well prove otherwise. No! I never participated in debates while back at school......but the internet has done this to me!!!

Let me know if you have ever had a similar situation :)

Solong........happy googling!!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I never cease to amaze me

Yesterday was my bday. Well no cookies for guessing my age....because it hardly matters. After a while one stops counting. At last count I was umm..urr...25 I think :)

I spoke from 7.30 am in the morning, with a 10 min break for breakfast, until 2.00 pm and then continued from 4.00 pm until my lil one asked to be accompanied to the park. I caught up with a conversation or two in the park as well. Over 7 hrs of telephonic conversation about everything under the sun, with all who called to wish me. I must admit I did not expect to be so busy receiving calls, since I have been pretty laid back on the wishing circuit this year, being a self proclaimed BUSY mom...with an even busier baby.

If you ever happen to see me, you will never guess my true age. I am blessed to look young. Although there are times I wish I looked a little older (and may be fatter) so I could throw my weight around, it is never gonna be.

I take my lil one to the park each evening. Lil T loves to play by the sand pit, on the slides, on the swing, in the stone patch and the meadows. There are curious onlookers who want to know why she does not play with the other kids. Well, the answer my friends is that she likes it that way, and I would rather have her like what she is doing...than force something down her throat. Yes, I do give her an opportunity to interact with other children, but I would think she knows best what she wants.

I have noticed, moms hang around in groups - not exactly me...but most of them. I visit the "congregation of moms" that meets daily at the park. .....serves more like a support group. ....If you lend your ear, this is what you will definitely hear "mine has stopped eating"..."mine did that awhile back but seems to be better now"....."mine no longer snatches a nap during the morning hours"....."nor does mine, baby"...."oh well! that's such a reassurance........."mine has been acting weird"....."when do they not?!".....I would be worried if they did not act weird. They somehow seem to be programmed that way. Weird...weirder....weirdest....."mine sleeps in the cot"..."oh so does mine"...."what the hell...they are not going to sleep with you for life, so giving a lil bit of comfort to your lil one in the initial years won't do you any harm"....How many rules are they supposed to abide by......don't do this....and definitely not this....this is a strict no no.....not that one!!

And I have been reading that you ought to be a yes parent!!!! Sure ...can I stuff the toothbrush in the loo...yes, why not. Can I swallow a kidney bean...definitely. Can I stand up and jump from my pram...."whoever stopped you"........saying yes is def easier than saying no....just that I dread the repercussions. I am waiting to meet the YES parent. How charming!

My life post Nov 2007, has been different. Well, let's just say "different". I serve as a car seat, an animal and bird cry impersonator, while I brush my teeth, I strategically place my foot on the loo cover so that no unsuspecting lil toddler dares to open it and stash was some toys, bowls, spoons, even soap at times into it. I leap like a frog, sniff like a mouse....oh no! I am not crazy...I am just a mom!